Argh Im fucking binging and I can't stop, it like 9.20 am, and I've already had 3 packets of popcorn, a chocolate bar, jellybeans and a piece of toast. Why is it, whenever I get stoned, the following morning I wake up and am sooo hungry. So anyway I'd say I've had about 800cals already today, I really need to get it under control. I just realised that I missed my counselling appointment yesterday. Thats annoying, and the only reason I forgot is because I left my planner at home. My birthday tomorrow, I am going to try to let myself eat what I like tomorrow, I will try not to be too hard on myself. Day after my birthday I am giong to try to eat healthy, 800cal minimum, 1000 maximum. I am going to try my hardest to eat like a normal person, I am going to try to do this on my own. I don't really have the desire to do it for me, I have to do it for my family and my boyfriend because I am making his life miserable. When I don't eat I am cranky and in a really pissed off mood, when I eat too much I am seriously fucked off and not nice to be around so I am generally not a nice person to be around. Its weird giving myself a minimum number of cals to intake. I'm so scared of that 8, its such a high number. I have come to the realisation that there is no such thing as 100% recovery, I think a dormant eating disorder is as good as it gets, where your voice is louder and stronger and more trustworthy than the other one telling you not to eat. I don't think you are ever cured. That is quite depressing but  I think  thats as good as it gets.