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Jun. 17th, 2008

  • 9:37 AM

Oh and just for anybody (nobody) who wanted to know how my exam went It went SHIT, Complete Rubbish, I know I failed, I just know. Considering I didn't even attempt the last 20 questions (out of 100 total) because I knew I didn't know the answers. And the rest were mainly guesses, I walked out after an hour, when I had 3 to do it. GOOARRRRGGGHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Jun. 17th, 2008

  • 9:15 AM

Issue of the Day

When I was at uni (failed miserably), there were these people on campus who literally will not leave you alone until you set up an account with BNZ, so I did, I got a $1000.00 overdraft, then I stopped putting my wages in there and moved back to my old one, National, so little to my knowledge my acount was overdrawn (over the overdraff) by like 30 dollars (-1030.00 in my account), after mutiple fees ect that went up to $1250.00 owing, all the time, not a letter, not a phone call -nothing. And I wasn't exactly looking for things to pay as it is 80% of my salary goes to my debts accrued while flatting, not being in contact with my parents and being at Uni. So now, it has been seen to a collections agency, which has put another $300 on top of what I owe, AND I got my first ever letter saying that want payment IN FULL within 7 day SEVEN FUCKING DAYS!!! I have no idea what to do. I am in debt up to my eyeballs so nobody will give me credit. FUCK!!!

As of today I am:

Stopping binging 
Finding a new job - cos i fucking hate this one
Stop buying clothes
start paying my loans, HPs and credit cards.
Try and arrange some sort of deal with the collections agency


So my fortnightly cashflow will look like this

EARNINGS PER FORNIGHT   967.00
National Bank Loan             -120.00
Compulsary Savings           - 25.00
FFCU Loan                              -100.00
Car Payment                         -188.00
Board                                      -100.00 
Paying Back Parents          - 40.00
Credit Card                             -50.00
HP                                             -35.00
Paying Back BF                     -150.00

                                                  =$159.00 for two weeks for Petrol and other shit

It makes me want to shoot myself in the face when I look at that

Jun. 16th, 2008

  • 2:19 PM

OH YEAH...DID I FORGET TO MENTION MY PARENTS NOW RE-FOUND OUT ABOUT MY EATING DISORDER...GREAT!!!! I GUESS I FORGOT TO DELETE MY HISTORY ONE TIME - MUM SAYS I LEFT THE SITE UP BUT I REALLY DOUBT IT. ANYWAYS I (guess I should take caps lock off now) suppose I can look at it as a good thing. I even told her about how I binged on 12 (YES 12) chocolate bars the day before> She kinda annoyed me in that she said "you're so intelligent, I don't understand why you can't see yourself as you are, you must know you aren't fat, if you do you must think i am obese" and I was like WTF eating disorders aren't exclusive to stupid people, it actually appears to be the opposite. And it isn't about what I think of YOU actually its about ME. Anyway thats the end of my rant.

Jun. 16th, 2008

  • 2:03 PM

Okay weird, I went to the doctors blah blah asking all the boring questions. She sent me off for tests ect. Except I now realise, even though my BMI is 22ish has gone up in the past few days thanks to obscene binging, anyway regardless of the fact I am at a normal weight, my period has stopped...like WTF I thought you had to be underweight and that is why your periods stopped? I'm confused, I checked - I ain't pregnant (thank god) Is that possible? To lose your period before you are even close to being classified as underweight?

Jun. 13th, 2008

  • 1:09 PM

Okay I have just called the doctor and made an appointment for Monday morning 9.15 - ive decided its time to stop talking about recovery, and actually do it. I cannot do it on my own. I have tried. I have failed. Argh Im scared...But I am also excited. Like nervous excitment. I am also worried because I have known this doctor for years and years, I used to be best friends with her daughter until we had a massive fight so I always worry about going to her, all the things that Fiona must have said about me... Anyway monday 9.15 eeeppp

Jun. 13th, 2008

  • 11:19 AM

it has never really been an issue of being thin, I grew up in a very strict household, my dad was very scary to me growing up, my parents always created this barrier between us kids and them, I couldn't ever come to them with a problem, I would always try to fix it myself, sometimes I couldn't fix it and things got worse and worse until the problem became exposed and I was punished for it. I was raped at 15 and because of this barrier, I never told my parents about until 3 weeks ago on the 29th May, the day after my birthday, even though it happend 5 years ago. I think holding a lot of feeling inside and just the hatred I had of myself formed an eating disorder. I know it is cliche for rape victims to 'blame themselves', and I did, not because I thought I had flirted or lead him on, but because I have always been a shy person, I have never liked to upset people, and therefore get psuhed around and bullied into doing things I don't want to do. This to me was my fault because although I said no, I tried to walk away from where he had taken me, I wasn't strong enough to scream, I wasn't a strong enough person to say no and sound like I really meant it. Its hard for me to explain, I tried for so long to convince myself that that wasn't what it was, that I had wanted it to happen, I think to make it easier for me to cope. But from then on something changed. I think that happening plus all the other factor of the environment I grew up with and all the other shit that I can't even begin to explain has made me what I am.

Jun. 13th, 2008

  • 10:12 AM

I got pulled over and given a $150 fine for failing to stop at a stop sign. FOR FUCK SAKES. it is friday the 13th, it did not start my day off well, and because of being pulled over and him taking his fucking time to make sure he couldn't give me a ticket for something else, I was late for work. GRRRR

WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT???

  • Jun. 9th, 2008 at 5:06 PM

Oh my god, I am so close to tears at the moment. I posted what I thought was an innocent question in pa_waiting room, "who here considers themselves pro-ana" meaning pro ana, looking at eating disorders as a lifestyle and not a disease. I got about (no shit) 60 bitchy comments saying I should fuck off and that I was obviously 300lbs and never left the couch and shit I am so upset right now, so close to tears. I really didn't expect that. I was interested in find out what being pro-ana meant to everybody. Instead I got harrassed and I honestly can't believe it. To me anybody who CHOOSES this life is not suffering, it is their choice. That is my thinking. I said it was a disease and I would never wish it upon anybody. They came back with, 'i don't know about you, but I am not crazy...this is my choice blah blah blah" that to me is not having an eating disorder. Maybe I interpreted what she said wrong. I don't know, I just was totally blown away with how aggresive everybody was. Anyway I have left community now and so hopefully that will be the end. That triggered a minor binge. DAMMIT and i gotta go home and study for my exam on thursday which I am failing. SO FUCK!!!!!!!!!

http://community.livejournal.com/pa_waiting_room/19590667.html?thread=71945739#t71945739 Oh yes, this is a portion of some of the comments, before they got deleted, there were more but they had already been deleted.

Aqua jogging with the oldies

  • Jun. 3rd, 2008 at 10:33 AM

Things are terrible, I have gained, 3 pounds - not as bad as I had suspected but gaining is never a good thing. ever. So i got up at 5.20 this morning, made myself a shake - these meal replacement shake, thought id give them a go even though I never eat breakfast. I went to the pool, i don't know why I choose the pool instead of going for a walk or a run or something, because of the fact that I can barely keep myself afloat in the water I probably should have given it a bit more thought. So i was watching all these people swimming lap after lap and I attempted one and couldn't even make half....So sad to say - i joined the oldies in the aqua jogging class. I could barely keep up, I don't understand how they can move forward at the same time as doing all these mental under-water lunges and stuff. I still smell of chlorine, even though I did shower and wash my hair. I am going to go for a big walk tonight aswell I think as I grabbed a starbucks this morning only to find out after I drank it that it contained 340cals. I couldn't believe it. That plus my shake, plus these stupid cruskets (21cal each) that I have been munching on all day and had about 7 so I need more exercise, I want ot go for a swim tomorrow but I hate washing my hair everyday, its really bad for it.

Yesterday I decided to meet up with a friend of mine I haven't seen in about 5 years, which is a long time given I am only 20. I have to say it was very weird. I also have to say she hasn't changed much and that I don't really know how I could have been best friends with her for as long as I was. She is nice, and all but she very...I don't even know if there is a word. Like she thinks shes so much better than me...Safe to say I took delight in the fact she has gained quite a bit of weight - I know its mean but oh well. Like when she was talking about some sort of designer she says his name like with a full on accent and stuff, I could do that too but you just dont need to do that shit. And she like closes her eyes and flutters them as she talks in a manner-of-fact way. I don't know if I should see her again.

I remember way back when we were friends, I was always at her house, her mum (a massive woman at the time who has slimmed down quite a bit after finding out she had diabetes) was making a dress or something for rachael, rachael was complaining that she is to 'hippy' and out of proportion said "i wish I had graces body' and then her mum measures rachael and then me and says "actually rachael you have the perfect hour-glass bodyshape, the ideal body - if anybody here is out of proportion it would be grace' and I wish I could of said "no actually if anybody here is out of proportion I think it would actually be you, did you not know that your stomach isn't supposed to sag between your legs?"

Dormant Disorders

  • May. 27th, 2008 at 9:18 AM

Argh Im fucking binging and I can't stop, it like 9.20 am, and I've already had 3 packets of popcorn, a chocolate bar, jellybeans and a piece of toast. Why is it, whenever I get stoned, the following morning I wake up and am sooo hungry. So anyway I'd say I've had about 800cals already today, I really need to get it under control. I just realised that I missed my counselling appointment yesterday. Thats annoying, and the only reason I forgot is because I left my planner at home. My birthday tomorrow, I am going to try to let myself eat what I like tomorrow, I will try not to be too hard on myself. Day after my birthday I am giong to try to eat healthy, 800cal minimum, 1000 maximum. I am going to try my hardest to eat like a normal person, I am going to try to do this on my own. I don't really have the desire to do it for me, I have to do it for my family and my boyfriend because I am making his life miserable. When I don't eat I am cranky and in a really pissed off mood, when I eat too much I am seriously fucked off and not nice to be around so I am generally not a nice person to be around. Its weird giving myself a minimum number of cals to intake. I'm so scared of that 8, its such a high number. I have come to the realisation that there is no such thing as 100% recovery, I think a dormant eating disorder is as good as it gets, where your voice is louder and stronger and more trustworthy than the other one telling you not to eat. I don't think you are ever cured. That is quite depressing but  I think  thats as good as it gets.
  • Mood: contemplative

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

  • May. 6th, 2008 at 12:54 PM

 Don't you hate it when people say really mean things in a fakely sweet make-me-want-to-cut-their-face-off kind of way? Thats this lady Gloria at work, shes this old, seriously old lady who has worked here since the beginning of time. Whenever she takes days off (whenever the boss is away and then he doesn't realise as she doesn't put it on her timesheet) I have to do her dumb job. However when I am away like I was last week nothing happens to the pile on my desk it just mounds up and mounds up. I am expected to do soooo much shit at work. NOBODY appreciates it, or me. Its like all the geeky nerdy annoying virgin scientists are forgiven, if they are working on a big job it then becomes acceptable that a few of the other minor jobs dealines will be pushed back. Not for me though. I always seem to get the raw deals and short ends of the sticks. My boss, he listens to all my problems, and cares. But I've been here over a year now with the same issues and nothing changes, it just stays exactly the fucking same. His advice is just 'smile sweetly and get on with it' Its like they expect me to live under my desk so that I can get everything done. I fucking hate it here at the moment. I feel so taken for granted and if I get busy with one thing, tryna be really thorough and get through one thing and so some of the not-so-important stuff gets done a few days later thats not okay, but also not okay, but equally not okay to not be thorough. Somebody is always complaining. 

Okay so I had to go to the toilet and since I got back and had a drink of water I seem to have lost most of the anger that was fueling that ranty rant. Its still all true but I don't have the energy to get all worked up again and continue, just know that I am unhappy in the work arena at the moment.  So anyway got my damned period again and its bloody heavy, - I know you probably don't want to read about my, erm, flows but hey! you're still reading! anyway I think thats why I am so cranky and tired. I wish I could take like a month off work and just spend time being me. Anyway I've decided to go through and get some counselling, if not just to give these little rants some substance by having somebody nod and say "and how does that make you feel" or "and how do you feeeeeel about that', with us all feeeeeeling these feeeeelings about our feelings. Anyway yes I believe it should help just to free up my mental brain a bit. So I can talk to them about things that I can't talk to 'normal people' about, I don't like them to know and I don't like to unload my issues on people but since they are being paid for me to unload on, I'll do it and let them burn candles or whatever it is they do to rid themselves of all the negativity. I've always had real trust issues, even with therapists. Because I used to have really bad paranoia, still have bits of it, brought about by my self loathing and insecurity, I believe that everybody sees what I see in myself and thats why everybody or it seems everybody stares at me. 

I've also started seeing things. Not like dead people or anything. But i am always seeing movement if that makes any sense. GOD anybody reading this is going to think that I am a complte Lunatic!! Anyway Fingers are getting sore - thats not true I just need to do some work and go deal with the flow. Okeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.......
  • Mood: weird

Precious Things - Tori Amos

  • May. 5th, 2008 at 4:13 PM

These precious things
Let them bleed, let them wash away
These precious things
Let them break their hold over me

Sometimes I think I am a really evil person

  • May. 5th, 2008 at 11:41 AM

Seriously could it get any worse for me. Nick moved out yesterday - we are still together but obviously on the rocks. I feel like everybody expects so much from me. I put myself fully into everything I do, my job, my study, my boyfriend, my friends, everybody expects it all from me, they expect so much, too much and I do it and at the end of the day I am miserable. I have nothing left of myself to give, or keep for myself. If I don't give everything or everyone all of me, everything turns to shit. Things shouldn't be like that. I sometimes feel like I'm caught in a strong current just taken downstream towards a huge waterfall, so fast and I can't control anything. Like this is my life, going by so quickly and there is no way for me to change anything, I'm powerless to control my own destiny. It's a horrible feeling. I hate letting people down, but If I'm not letting them down I am running myself down and still miserable. This is a big rambly rant that probably makes no sense but its just the way I feel. Anyway my life sucks. period. my boss has offered to get me counselling, I guess thats a semi plus. Although the downside is that I am actively wearing on me how fucked up I really am that everybody can see it. Oh well, this is my life.... I feel like nothing matters anymore, I am going to be miserable for the rest of my life, I am not meant to and don't deserve to be happy - and why should I. Sometimes I think I am a really evil person. I am thinking of what mood to deem I am in, I would say miserable as I have described myself as it several times in this rant but I guess I am indifferent to my being so miserable so indifferent it shall be.

  • Mood: indifferent

Damn Pastry

  • May. 1st, 2008 at 10:06 PM

Yesterday went well on the ABC day 1, I ate under 500. I fasted all day until I couldn't get out of dinner so instead of having the fatty family food I had some sushi, I'd say about 300cal worth. Today was going pretty sweet aswell, I had 2 feijoas (25 each so 50) 1 lollipop (60) and a hot chocolate (42) and then a tiny bit of dinner I would guess 200 cal. so whats that,  452, and then I decided to do some baking - stupid move I know!!!! and I ate sooooo much pastry. I'm so foul. So thats blown it for me today. I am going to try to fast tomorrow to keep myself on track.
  • Mood: pissed off

Because I am such a failure...

  • Apr. 29th, 2008 at 1:41 PM

I am starting ABC again tomorrow, I have now gone through my planner and twinked out all the daily limits from my previous failed attempt. I've swapped a few of the days around just for the fact that it will stretch through my birthday and I don't think that I would have been able to get away with 200 cals on my birthday. And I chose tomorrow as opposed to today because I am going out for dinner with a friend. I feel like I am not strong enough to start today and i don't want to ruin it all as I feel a binge coming on...EPP! So far today I have had 3 (yes three) roll ups (26cals each), 1 low fat hot chocolate (42cal) and a lollipop (60) so 180cal. That gives me a bit of lee way for tonight because I want to keep it under 800 absolute max today. Since my slip ups I can feel these extra 2 kgs hanging off me and it feels disgusting. I really hope I can stick to this abc for the full 50 days. I expect to loose a minimum of 10 kgs over the 50 days. The problem, as always will lie with getting around dinner, especially on the fasting days...hmmmm I'll have to devise some genious plan to get out on those days aswel as the 100 and 50 cal days. This is going to be tricky, but I won't let that stop me. I will have weekly weigh ins (even though I weigh myself a zillion times a day anyway) but will post my weight loss every Sunday.
  • Mood:determined

Apr. 29th, 2008

  • 1:28 PM

 

Oink

  • Apr. 28th, 2008 at 8:41 AM

 Okay ew ew ew I feel like such a fucking stupid fat pig. I had a massive binge yesterday. However I did have a freaking awesome weekend. Went up north where my family has a bach because one of my mates was having his 21st at his bach. And everybody had taken trips or E or both. Aside from this girl hitting on my boyfriend and tryna tell him I was being very 'friendly' with everybody. Anyway we were down at the beach and everything was just amazing, like the moon and all the clouds. Beautiful. So anyway yes me, fatty. starting a new today.  
  • Mood: dirty

Praise Be

  • Apr. 24th, 2008 at 4:41 PM

Thank God I managed to not eat anymore through out the day because that could have been disasterous. 265 so far but unfortunatly I am going to have to eat a proper dinner. I would prefer to have like a raw carrot or a piece of fruit or something but my bf wants burgers, so i'm planning on taking it home to eat and I'll take the bread out of it or something. I really need to find some good dinner recipes that are low calorie - aside from sushi. They'd have to be pretty simple as well seeing as I will be the only one eating them. Anyway was hoping I could stay under 200 today but quite clearly I've fucked that one up. So, maybe I'll try and keep it under 600, that seems an awful lot but I am starting the ABC tomorrow so hopefully everything will be fine.

Lard Ass

  • Apr. 24th, 2008 at 10:35 AM

Holy Moley I am such a fat ass! its only friggen 10.35 in the morning and already today I've had a pear it was relatively large so i'll guess it was about 120 cal, a hot chocolate 42cals AND a fucking ginger kiss which I DID NOT WANT by the way. My boss thought that we should all stop for morning tea together (the whole 3 of us here today) and so I had my hot chocolate and I told myself I wouldn't have a biscuit, but she brought them out and then they looked at me funny like and I just felt I had to and as I was eating it I was like Ewwww this is hugely fatty, and I was right I snuck a look at the package and it was 103 cal per one. the others had two each in their ignorance but its 103!!! so that means I've had 265calories so far and its not even midday.  Why am I such a failure... 
  • Mood: morose

Minor but slightly major freak out

  • Apr. 23rd, 2008 at 6:03 PM

 Jesus I'm posting waaaay to often today, but I feel I have to confess everything now. This is my confession box. So today I have had 1 coffee, 1 digestive biscuit (58), 1 hot chocolate (54) and I had to go and ruin it all by having 7 pieces of sushi, so what is that like 300 calories? 400?!?! I don't know and I hate not knowing and I'm having a minor but slightly major freak out about it. 

I keep having these dreams the past few nights where I go on this massive binge. I wake up really shaken and it takes me a while to calm myself down and to realise i was just dreaming and it didn't really happen. I wish they would stop.
  • Mood: distressed

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